I’m fortunate to be in the position to do what I do. Most people think I’ve got the perfect job. In many ways I do.
I’m a full time father.
Before my new “career” began four years ago, I’d been an art director for 14 years. But none of that compares to, or prepared me for, the challenges of raising two young children who are now five and six years old.
Early on in our relationship, my wife and I were very focused on building our careers. We were both highly motivated, we enjoyed our professions and, fortunately, we were both fairly successful. But we always knew that one day we’d start a family. What we hadn’t really thought through, however, was how that would affect our careers and our relationship.
So off we marched into the wonderful world of parenthood. First, our son was born, then 20 months later, our daughter. Suddenly—or so it seemed—we had two beautiful children.
But all was not well.
In this profession, evenings, weekends and holidays are not held sacred. Travel for meetings and production will always loom. As a creative you learn early on that there is no way to gauge when the magic will happen. Ideas can rain down one moment then they can dry up and leave you stranded in the Mojave the next.
Being a parent as an advertising creative is challenging to say the least. There’s the inconsistent and unpredictable schedule. In this profession, evenings, weekends and holidays are not held sacred. Travel for meetings and production will always loom. As a creative you learn early on that there is no way to gauge when the magic will happen. Ideas can rain down one moment then they can dry up and leave you stranded in the Mojave the next. The client can kill all that good work, assuming the agency hasn’t already, throwing you into a fire-drill-like panic. And let’s not forget the colossal time suck: the new business pitch.
It got to the point where I dreaded calling my wife to tell her I’d be late or that I’d be spending the weekend at the office or I’d be gone for weeks at a time for production. While we did have family who would help during the day (which was incredibly fortunate) much of the parenting responsibilities were landing in my wife’s lap. To say that my job was creating stress at home for both of us was an understatement. This wasn’t the way either of us wanted to raise our kids, especially since I couldn’t be very involved in the raising.
We knew that a change was needed. Nannies and day cares are great resources for many, but we learned they weren’t for us. We both wanted to be heavily involved in our kids’ upbringing.
So what should we do?
By some twist of fate my career suddenly became even more erratic, requiring more and more time away from home. Throughout all of this my wife’s job was stable, fairly predictable and more lucrative.
The answer became obvious.
It’s funny, when I randomly run into someone from my past ad life, inevitably their first question is: “Are you freelancing?” Even though they know I’m a full time father, I guess there’s an assumption that I have a bunch of free time. As any full time parent knows, that is far from the truth. I didn’t decide to leave an agency to freelance – I left to be a father. Sure, freelancing gives you flexibility but parenting doesn’t. It’s the most full time job I’ve ever had. And that’s saying a lot.
Our marriage, while always strong, immediately felt the freedom from the old tension that came from a) her knowing I was not able to come home (yet again); and b) my desire to keep everyone at work and at home happy while knowing that was impossible.
The benefits to our decision were immediately felt. Our marriage, while always strong, immediately felt the freedom from the old tension that came from a) her knowing I was not able to come home (yet again); and b) my desire to keep everyone at work and at home happy while knowing that was impossible. And now, because I am focused on the kids full-time, my wife has been able to focus on her career, substantially reducing her stress. Now she doesn’t worry about what the kids are doing, who they are with or when she has to be home. I know she really appreciates that.
And it means a lot to me that she trusts me and believes in me to be the primary parent. Outside of getting married and having kids, it was the best decision we have ever made.
However, there are days when I feel like I’m in way over my head. Parenting is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. With my previous career there’d be aggravating meetings, annoying coworkers and clients. But you could always escape, at least briefly. When you’re raising kids there is no escape. It requires constant and relentless focus. It’s tiring. I truly had no idea what I was getting myself into.
Parents need to rely on their instincts. But what do you do when you realize your instincts are wrong? I’ve learned more than can be imagined from my wife. She is a wealth of knowledge and I am a firm believer that when it comes to parenting, a mother often knows best. She has taught me how to be a much, much better father – more compassionate, more patient, more understanding. As with my previous career, my goal has been to constantly grow and get better, but since there isn’t an end of the year review, it’s hard to know if I’m doing a good job.
My wife hasn’t fired me yet. But I know there are times when she (or my kids) would probably like to. I know I’ve made mistakes and will continue to do so. There’s a lot of pressure to succeed at this. Failure isn’t really an option.
We have two amazing, curious kids who I love more than anything. As they grow and learn, so do I. If I’m lucky, in a few years we’ll have raised two confident, ambitious young people who will be ready to venture out into the world.
And then maybe I’ll go freelance.
Demian Fore has spent 14 years as an art director, 12 years as a husband, six years as a father, four years as a full-time father and 43 years gravitating toward shiny objects. He lives in Austin, TX.
Thank you, Demian, for this piece of yourself. I have heard that many senior ad women have stay-at-home husbands that make their careers possible. We will have a panel at our 2013 event on this very issue. That’s how important it is.
I hope to meet you at the 3% roadshow in Austin on April 17.
You’re doing it right…. good stuff.
DEMIAN! Bravo. This is a brilliant essay. Good for you. Good for your lovely wife. But, mostly, good for your kids.
Demian! Great to see you and hear your story. Kathryn mentioned your new world after seeing you a while back.
So happy for you. And proud. Way to go.
Scotty
PS: I tell folks at my agency – on your deathbed, you won’t look back and regret not attending enough conference calls…
Brilliant forum. When I ended my agency life, my two girls were 4 & 6. I had been the only one producing income and then it was gone. Nevertheless, I found work and my wife picked up work that put a few extra bucks into the coffers but what we ultimately found was as we prioritized the family, we found ways and opportunities to make ends meet. I also found new expressions for creativity in the advertising, software and other projects which diversified our income. Ultimately this provided more growth professionally but wait…. Ultimately, however I never missed the chance to eat lunch with my girls through fifth grade, never missed recitals and was also there for bedtimes and homework. The reality that marriages and childhoods are more precious than selling products should at some point register in more career focused types. I once was told that freelancing creates diminishing returns for one’s career and that may be true but when your marriage ends, your kids don’t know you and you are left alone with shelves of awards, the diminishing return is tragically what remains of one’s life. Remember to prioritize the people who love and need you and your career will still happen and at the end of your life will be full of rewards that count into the infinite future.
Right on Demian!
Demian, I loved reading this! Full time parenting is an exciting and daunting and extremely rewarding task (I’ve been doing it myself for the last nine months). Good for you for making what seems to be a great decision for your family!
Hello Demian, I came across your writing through Will Chau’s FB post. I too left my commercial photography career of 16 years to be a stay at home Dad when my wife (local musician Sara Hickman) and I had our second child. That was back in 2001 and on a personal level I have never regret the decision. On a professional level . . . well, let me just say, now that our girls are older and I have the desire and opportunity to come back into the working world, I can see where the regrettable part comes into play. Obviously, I have gotten older but . . . the business is still a younger persons game. And if you don’t keep your hand in it, frankly, you get forgotten. I was quite surprised to see the extent to which this was true. So, be prepared. Stay in contact as much as you can with those in the business that will be able to help you back in, if and when that time comes for you. Try to keep creating work and stay up with the trends and times. I only wish I had done the same, because my age is working against me and I am very much back at square one.
Having given that dire sounding warning, I want to end by saying I can’t possible express how much richer I am for the time spent at home with my family. And I know that you (and any Dad that makes this choice) will feel the same! Enjoy the adventure and keep an eye on your future.
Lance
Demian, that was as insightful as it was beautiful. One of the main reasons I left GSD&M when I did was for the reasons you laid out–so it hit very close to home. It’s funny looking back 15 years, all of those ads and awards shows and new business pitches that seemed so life and death—you know, they really weren’t. I bet you have super kids, and that’s the most important thing any of us can offer the world.
This is a great conversation. What’s healthy here is an honest assessment of the importance of career and marriage and family. As one who has been running a consulting business for 20 years, I want to point out that the grass is not always easier to mow as an independently employed person. The hustle to stay relevant and to gain enough business to keep the coffers full and the lights on is the very thing at the center of my distant evenings, my bursts of frustration, those things that make me less of a partner and parent. My hat is off to Damien and many other men and women who have made this bold and courageous choice.
I would agree with Lance, above, in trying to keep your book a little fresh. One great way to do this is to use offer your design talents to your school fundraising efforts and events. There’s lots of pro-bono work that can benefit your kids, schools and community, at the same time as keeping your book alive. I realize full time parenting is more than full time, especially with two kids (you’re outnumbered!). Maybe you can turn the school fundraiser PDF into a learning project with your older kid…
Anyway, kudos – your year end review will be the fulfillment of a year well spent in the most important job in the world.
Demian… loved reading your story and the blogs from our mutual friends. Thanks to all for the dose of reality.
Wonderful post. Thanks Demian!
You’re my hero. Fatherhood is the greatest joy of any man on earth.
Honest and inspiring. Thank you for writing this, Demian!
Honesty always makes for the best reading. Thank you so much for sharing, Demian. My husband and I spent the first 10 years of our kid’s lives taking turns at being “the breadwinner” or “the MOM” with little fanfare or forethought to each role change. (Ladies, marry a northern Californian — they are more evolved about these things in general:) ) Though, truth be told, both of us always tried to freelance or work part-time while being the Stay-at-Home parent. I like to think our kids have benefitted by always having one of us at home. I’m sure yours will, too, Demian. BTW, I currently plan my work schedule to always be here each day when my teens get home from high school. And I often think they need me more now as teenagers than they did as toddlers. They just have a different (and much more elusive) way of expressing it. Good on ya, Dad! And enjoy!
Demian,
Great perspective. This business is full of itself.
I’ve never regretted one second with my kids.
Brian
I am reading this late, but feel compelled to comment. Your story is very thought-provoking. I’ve always thought that advertising is a difficult career for a ‘mom’ (and I have struggled with that difficulty) but I never thought about it from the ‘dad’ perspective. Of course there are ad men who also want to be apart of their children’s childhood. So, my hat goes off to you for courageously following your heart. And I understand the sacrifice, as well as the rewards. I have chosen to go freelance when my children were born. I have been fortunate to pick opportunities that have allowed me to grow my experience from a freelance position, while still spending loads of time with my now 6 & 8 year olds. Though, I realize that there are lots of ad people that wouldn’t take me as seriously as my counterpart who works full time. And my shelves may not end up lined with awards. In the end, when childhood is over it’s over and I will be one of the lucky ones to say that I didn’t miss it. And my kids didn’t miss out on me.
Hey – just read this finally. It’s awesome!